Wedding Guest List

Tears, tantrums, and trauma. No, I'm not talking about a kid's birthday party, or the latest boy band breakup. Instead, I'm talking about the wedding guest list – a seemingly simple enough concept that for some reason cannot be executed without violent outbursts, emotional blackmail, or objects being flung around the room. But what is it about compiling a guest list that is so difficult?

Well traditionally, the invitations are divided between three groups –the bride and groom, and the bride and grooms respective families (although if your parents are divorced and have since remarried, depending on how you wish to do things, you could be looking at a possible five way split. Yikes!) This inevitably causes problems, as everyone will have conflicting ideas on who should and shouldn't be invited. Your mother will insist on inviting aunties and uncles you didn't even know you had, while your father-in-law-to-be will want to invite all the members of his local cricket team. And to top it all off, your fiancé wants to invite his hideous drinking pals. You'll be left wondering if there will be any room for your friends.

And then there's the other challenge – deciding exactly who are the right people to invite. You may be feeling on top of the world and wish to invite everyone you've ever known since you were five, regardless of whether you actually keep in touch with them or not. You may even feel that you have to invite everyone you know for fear of offending them if you don't. But unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) that isn't always possible. Your budget and the venue's seating capacity will dictate how many people you can invite. It's pointless inviting 450 guests, when it means you can only afford to serve them crisps and lemonade, and they've got to be packed into the reception like sardines. For this reason, you'll have to streamline your guest list, and select people who mean the most to you.

Here are some points to think about.

1. Allow yourselves plenty of time when compiling your list. There's nothing worse than having to rush. It means you don't get things done properly, and you feel under pressure.

2. Before your families get involved, have a brainstorming session with your fiancé. Think about the kind of wedding you really want. Do you want a big elaborate bash, or a small intimate affair? Bear in mind that at this stage nothing is set in stone, but at least it will give the chance to discuss how you see your wedding – and try to compromise if necessary.

3. Which comes first – the venue or the guest list?

You have two possible options: If you've got your heart set on a particular venue, find out the seating capacity and work your guest list around that. Otherwise, decide how many guests you want to invite, and then find a venue which can accommodate all your guests. There's no right or wrong way.

4. You've got to start thinking about your budget, and what you can and can't afford to have. If you are adamant that you have to have the designer gown, the eight course meal, and bottles of the finest Cristal, the obvious – and most sensible solution – would be to reduce the guest list. Don't think that just because you are having a small wedding that it will be boring. Alternatively, don't think that your 350 guests won't be entertained just because you're not having a huge fireworks display.

5. This is where the fun begins! Ask both families to draft their lists. This is not the finalized list, but it would be wise at this point to let your families know what kind of a wedding you would like. If you want a small wedding, now is the time to say so, before they get too carried away.

6. Compare all lists with both families. Check, double check and treble check that you're happy with the lists and no one important has been left out.

You should compile a main guest list, which lists all the people you can't get married without. This includes:

- Immediate family

- Close extended family

- Close friends

8. You will also need a secondary list of people you can invite as your main guests drop out. I know that sounds demeaning, but be realistic, you can't invite everyone you've ever said hello to in your life. People to include on this list are those you know and like but don't see all the time, or aren't so close to. And remember you don't have to invite all of them.

9. Guests for singles – You don't have to allow all your single guests to bring someone. Quite often, it is the 'plus one' on the invitation who can really bump up the cost of the wedding. This option could be reserved for your guests who won't know anyone else at the wedding. But be clear about whether or not your guests can bring guests of their own, or you might be faced with the awkward situation of having them ask you.

10. If the ceremony venue has limited seating, you might want to draw up a list of guest to invite for the evening reception, providing there's room. But remember, you cannot invite guests to the ceremony only!

Children
Don't feel guilty if you want your wedding to be a child free zone. But if kids are not invited to your wedding, make sure that it applies to ALL children, and not just some of them. That includes family, and may mean no children in the wedding party.

To include children on your special day, you could hire a sitter to watch them during the ceremony. In addition, you should consider having a separate children's table at the reception with favors, crayons, coloring books and toys.

Does all this sound like too much work? You're not alone in your thinking.

But be aware, if you don't invite children, you will, in all likelihood, have to deal with guests who cannot attend due to lack of childcare or who may be upset because you didn't invite their children.

If you're not inviting children and the guests RSVP with the children included, call them and politely and diplomatically discuss the situation with them. In fact, if you're going to have an adults-only reception, it may be a good idea to telephone all of the guests with children beforehand to ensure they understand. This is also a good way for you to gauge how many people will be inconvenienced by not bringing their children.

With a bit of luck, this should make things a little easier for you. And in order to avoid conflict and stress, a little give and take is required.
Think about who is paying for the wedding. If either or both sets of parents are paying/contributing to the bill, then it's only fair that their wishes are taken into account, and some kind of comprise is reached. If you can afford to fit in a few extra guests, do so if it will make someone happy. Just make sure no one oversteps the mark, and you don't feel coerced into agreeing to anything you don't want – you don't want to be a pushover either. Get the balance right, and hopefully everyone will be happy.